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Love Vs. Lust

Rhett,

After reading over your last note I thought back through my pas.t relationships.  I will have to say that even though my intentions may have been pure.  Lust may have been a factor on the opposite side.

I think it is evident that men are more visual than woman are.  Sure I love the looks of a totally hot guy but I don’t trust them.  The better they look the more I feel something is up with them.

Let me enter your fictional party and share with you my views as I work the room.

First, I should tell you that I knew I was going to s party that night and I have put a considerable bit of time in being sure that I looked nice.  My bed is covered in clothes as I could not decide what to wear and changed yet again before leaving.  No worries no one will see the mound of clothes as I will not be bringing someone home.  I am not that kind of girl. I shaved, fixed my hair, nails, toes and I am trying out some new makeup.  I really feel good and I am hoping just hoping tonight I will find that guy.  I dressed nice, nothing saying I am cheap or easy.  I went all out to show I care.

I enter the room and immediately scan to find someone I know if I came alone.  You know us girls we hate going to the bathroom alone and I want to find me a buddy before I have to go.  I find a group and someone offers up a drink.  It would be my friends husband as he gets one for all.  The conversation is ok but I am now scanning from my safety zone for what is hot and what is not.  So I hear you saying she is on a lust hunt but it is not that.  I know before the night is over the hot guys will eliminate themselves.

There are only four guys in the room that catch my eye immediately.  Two of the guys stand together with a small entourage of less than classy dressed women  These women are hanging on to every word they say laughing with a flaky fake laugh.  I ease drop the conversation and it is focused on these two guys talking about their high dollar cars.  I wonder what there is to laugh at.  I move my focus to one of the other hot guys.  He is also talking with a couple of girls but the conversation looks a little more serious.  My forth guy is talking with a couple of guys and I am trying to hear what they are saying.

Breaking my concentration is a guy asking me a question about my feelings of the conversation in my immediate group.  I’m embarrassed that I wasn’t listening and at the same time in shock I don’t know where this guy came from.  Wasn’t he the nobody that was entertaining my friends just a minute ago?  I try to come up with an answer and at the same time watching my friends excuse their self  and head to the bar.  I can tell from the silly grin on my friends face they took full advantage of this guy talking to me to escape.

I am not a mean person so being rude is not an option for me.  I half enter the conversation while at the same time hate my friends, wonder why I even went out and plan my exit.  While looking for the best route out my eyes meet with one of the hot guys.  He gives me this your cute but taken look. I am screaming NO Help me!  I have nothing in common with this guy, I am giving him no signals at all but he seems to be under the understanding that things are improving.  He  gets so close to my face I smell his breath and want to projectile vomit,  I politely dismiss myself to the restroom first chance I get.  He tells me he will get us drinks.  My plan was not to return and I am stumped at why this guy thinks I am interested.

The rest of the night includes me avoiding the weird guy by taking to average guys while observing the hot guys from afar.  Before the night is over I discover that the hot guys are as follows:

• Hot guy loves his car just way to much.  This includes his jet ski, boat and his motorcycle.   His last girlfriend was materialistic and that was his biggest turn off.  He did get around to asking me if I was married but neglected to ask any additional info as he felt he needed to tell me about his decision to trade in his one year old car for the latest.
• Hot guy 2 managed to pull himself away from the girls while they herd to the bathroom together.  He makes quick time requesting my number.  When I hesitate because I was not sure I got or did we ever introduce ourselves he gets pulled away by the earlier chicks.  I wasn’t sure which one he left with or if they all left together.
• Hot guy 3 – Short and sweet.  He wasn’t into me.  It was a gender thing.
• Hot guy 4 – I finally got to meet him when he introduced me to his fiancee that he just met only months ago.  It was a true love story and you couldn’t help but be ecstatic for them and their perfect lives.  You know it will play out but that guy is off the market.
  
• Rescue average guy stops by to give me his number,  ask me if I ever text?  Then ask me if I have pictures I can send him because if I do he already has some on the phone he will share with me.  I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!
• Another of the average guys seemed to be nice enough and not so bad looking after all.  I can feel myself making compromises in my head as to if I could date this guy or not.  Seems cute enough and funny, not so flashy that I wouldn’t trust him.  He asks me out for lunch next week and I agree and am about to give him my number as he explains to me that he is currently married but as long as his wife doesn’t know he would love to spend time with me.
  

Before I get the chance to get out of there I run into the breath of the west.  He excitedly says “Oh There you are.  Been looking for you everywhere.  I got you a drink let me get another” I decline and tell him I am leaving.  He insists on walking me to the car as there are weirdos and possible a psycho out there!  Why not!  Right?  At the car can you believe he moves in for a kiss?  I almost ran over him leaving.  I think I heard him say he would call me in the morning!  My friends will probably give him the number!

All partied out,

Zazie

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Dear Rhett,

I got you last letter about the movie!  I unfortunately am not a big fan of older movies so I did not see this one.  You described it so well that I decided to order it on Netflix and see it for myself.  Maybe I will become a fan.  Once I watch it I will be sure to let you know my review.

I was running late today so I didn’t have a ton of time to write.  I stopped by to get my daily dose of green tea.  Did you know that a study was done and they found that men who drink five or more cups of green tea daily have a 50% lower chance of having advanced prostate cancer?

I thought you might want to know and it will give you a reason to continue coming back and putting the notes under the napkin holder.  I received a note from Jett and I think I was a little hard on him.  He seems to be very different from you.  Did you guys grow up together?

Anyway I must run to work.  Speaking of movies…..I have a challenge for you while you drink your five cups of tea.  I also extend it to anyone else that stops by this table.  You can post your vote in comments and be sure to put them under the napkin holder.

What are your top ten all time romantic movies?

Click here as Zazie asks Rhett a question about Lust or Love?

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cancer, green tea, health, Love, love notes, movies, Passion, prostate, romantic, Sex

Dear Zazie,

For edification and for those who may have joined this program already in progress, let me summarize.  For 25 years, I was in and out of several long term relationships, all founded on lust, non were true love, all ended not well, all my fault.

Have I felt true love for anyone?  The answer is no and I do not believe anyone has felt true love for me.  I think at the time, I broke some hearts, but I did them a favor by leavin’.  I was a relationship basket case.  I had no business being in a relationship.  Everything was built on lies and deception.  Unfortunately, I learned at the feet of a master manipulator, liar and conniver; my mother.  I wish I could have been like Rhett.  He figured out how not to get into any committed relationships, other than his one great true love.  Regrets?  Oh please, I have plenty.  I could fill a graveyard with my buried regrets.  As for whether they had reason to nag me, absolutely.

Yes, here I am now miserably married.  She does not know that I am miserable.  She is too wrapped up in herself.  She has never loved me.  She loved who she wanted me to be.  She is another master manipulator, liar and conniver.  Sometimes I think we ended up together because we deserve each other.  The silent suffering is not fair to anyone.  I do it to protect the kids.  I am convinced she would use them to their detriment in a divorce.  So far, I have been able to manage it so that they have no idea.  I will not allow any loud arguments to occur, so they are isolated from the misery and suffering.  I am just tryin’ to hang on until they get older.

Would I cheat on her?  Can I dodge the question by sayin’ she has cheated on me?  She thinks I do not know.  At the time I did not give a damn.  I was hopin’ she would leave me.  Around that time, I did meet a woman at a bar and we flirted and kissed, but nothin’ came of it.  Would I cheat on her?  The best I can do is say probably not.  It would not help the situation.

As for lovin’ myself and bein’ honest with myself and others; well I do not know how I could be more honest with myself.  And as for bein’ honest with her and lies killin’ and darkenin’ the soul; it is called survival.  I make no apologies for survivin’ and protectin’ my children.

I choose to look at the bright side; the pain and sufferin’ has been a wonderful muse.  I have channeled my feelins’ into my poems and lyrics.

Ever, J

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Cheating, Hurt, Love, Lust, muse, Pain, Sex

Dear Zazie,

Well of course, I am speakin’ selfishly of my self regarding my position that true love starts with lust.  And I will further elaborate that, generally speakin’, true love starts with at least one of the two parties involved bein’ in lust with the other.  We could be dealin’ with a gender issue.  Maybe my theory applies mostly to men, although I have talked to other women who support my position and I know of one famous woman who confirmed my theory, Jane Fonda. I read an interview with her where she was asked about her new love.  She basically said it started with sex which is where all great relationships start.  I will try to further elucidate my opinion.

Suppose I am at a party with friends havin’ a good time.  Perhaps drinkin’ a Guiness or a single malt scotch, when of a sudden; I notice a beautiful woman I have never seen before.  I am immediately besotted, totally captivated by her.  It seems as if all of the light in the room is attracted to her.  I am, to use an overused phrase, blown away and I know of nothin’ except that I must go talk to her.  My breath has been taken.  Everything else pales and falls to the wayside as I make my way towards her.

Now, am I in love with her at this point?  Certainly not.  Am I in lust with her?  You are dang right I am!  When I introduce myself to her there are several possible outcomes:

• She is equally infatuated with me and we spend the rest of the evenin’ talkin’ to each other.  She is smart and funny and vibrant.  She gets my humour.  We discover that we have much in common.  We agree that we must see each other again.  The seed of true love has been planted.  This could grow in to true love.
• She is equally infatuated with me and we start talkin’ to each other.  But somethin’ is missin’.  She is all hat and no cattle, as we say on the ranch.  I discover that we do not have much in common.  What develops after that?  Well, a gentlemen does not talk out of school; suffice to say that it will not be true love.
• She is not infatuated with me (How could that be!  Shockin’ I know, but we shall pretend.)  She is smart and funny and vibrant.  We discover that we have much in common.  Now, is it possible that if I am persistent I could win her over?  Sure that is possible.  True love could grow.  But notice it still started with one of us in lust.
• She looks at me as if I were an insect or maybe an urban cowboy.  She summarily dismisses me.  Oh well, it cannot be said that I did not try.  True love ain’t growin’ here.

Hold on, there is one more possiblity to consider at our fictional party.  Suppose I am approached by a woman that I saw but she did not initially captivate me.  I am a gentleman who could always use another friend, so we start talkin’.  One measure of succes in life is the depth and breadth of one’s friendships.  She is smart and funny and vibrant.  She gets my humour.  We discover that we have much in common.  She is in lust with me but for whatever reason, I am not with her.  If she is persistent, could she win me over?  Yes, it is possible.  True love could grow from her lust.

Hope that helps clear up my previous posts and I hope you have a good Monday!

Still, R

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Cheating, infatuation, Jane Fonda, Love, Lust, party, Passion, true love

Jett,

I feel awful that we just met and I am already feeling upset at you.  I read your letter and I feel you placed the word love in several places where you should have just used lust.

Through your whole message I did not feel that you felt true love for anyone.  Did these women feel the same as you did?  Maybe you are like my ex-boyfriend and you get to claim that you were loved but you did not love back.  I will tell you just as I told him.  I know you and the hottie would never work in the end because you built the whole relationship on lies and deceit.  Sounds like you could have been responsible for breaking someones heart.  The girls you cheated with did the others a favor in the end.

Sadly it sounds like you have no regrets as to the life you lived and the feelings of the nagging girls.  I wonder if they had a reason to nag?  Maybe they knew you didn’t love them or maybe they didn’t trust you.  Usually I find with guys they hate the nagging but will never change the things we are nagging about.  I hate the things you do over and over so I nag over and over.

Here you are now unhappy again and still not in love.  I also wonder if your current wife knows of your misery in the marriage?   Is this silent suffering fair to you or her?  Would you cheat on her now and would it cause her pain?  I have to say it puzzles me that you say you love yourself and you still are not being honest.  I believe that finding your true self is being honest to first you and then the others around you.  If is is love that you seek you may find it better to give love than to expect it.  Sometimes the truth hurts but lies kill and darken the soul.

Dunbfounded,

Zazie

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Cheating, Honesty, hottie, lies, Love, Lust, Passion, true love, trust, Zazie

Wow!  I did not expect to find three notes under the napkin holder.  Do you think our secret will be discovered?

I do not believe that all true love starts with lust!  Are you saying that you would know the moment you met?  Could love not grow?  Are you saying you can’t grow to love someone?  Let’s consider someone that has been disfigured by illness or an accident.  They may not catch a persons eye right away.  Most people will become friends quickly with them because they are not thinking of lust but look to learn the person inside.  They want to know their story and they dig to learn more.  Sometimes that leads to respect for what that person has been through and sometimes that can grow to love.  That would be a much more true and unselfish love.  One that grows within.

My last long term relationship I grew into.  When I met the guy I had no feelings of lust at all.  I was a married woman and even though my marriage was in danger I had no intentions on cheating or leaving my husband.  I felt sad for this guy and tried to set him up all the time.  Maybe he baulked at my efforts but they were genuine and pure.

Unfortunately my marriage failed and I had no other choice than to end it.  I had to pull strength from my circle of friends as I had been married for 10 years by this time.  My heart was broken and I had fallen into a deep depression as my husband was what I thought my soul mate.  This one friend spent so many hours listening to my stories and distracting me with his.  We laughed and cried together and he was there during the everyday roller coaster I was having to deal with.  I can’t tell you the day or the moment but the idea did cross my mind.  Why not he and I?  Many called it a rebound or dismissed it as not being real but here is the deal.  I grew to love him.  I related to his stories and we did have many things in common.  I respected all he had helped me with during my divorce.  My ex-husband ended up in the hospital and guess who was their beside him?  That guy!  He was great and willing to do way more than many men in his situation.  Our relationship was not about lust but a growing love.  4 years we dated.  It ended because of lust and a hottie that turned his head.  Maybe his love for me was not as true as mine.

So I ask you Rhett in your letter you refer to your true love in a past tense.  What happened?

Interested,

Zazie

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Cheat, hottie, Hurt, Love, Lust, Pain, Passion, true love

Hey Z,

Add this to the list of great love movies; William Wyler’s Roman Holiday (1953), starring Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck. It was on TCM last night. The movie was nominated for seven Academy Awards and won three including Hepburn as Best Actress.

This is perhaps the penultimate what I call unconsummated love movie.  Unconsummated love is where two people meet and eventually fall in love, but they cannot be together for whatever reason.  In the movie Hepburn plays Princess Ann, the princess of an unspecified country.  Peck plays reporter Joe Bradley.  Seeking to escape her crushin’ responsibilities, she sneaks out of her country’s embassy to experience Rome on her own.  Ann, or Anya as she calls herself, meets Joe and they end up spending the day together and fallin’ in love.  At the end of the day she realizes they cannot be together and tells Joe goodbye and returns to the embassy.  The next day at a news conference, which Joe attends, her comments include a coded message of her love and gratitude towards Joe.  She then departs, leaving Joe to linger for a while, contemplating what might have been.

The movie is one of my favorites.  Hepburn is simply one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen.  I love the period clothing when men wore suits and hats; I wish they still did.  It is fun to watch them fall in love and you can feel the pain when they part ways.  Oh, to be in Rome with a beautiful woman.  Amore!  Big big big sigh.

Always, Rhett

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Audrey Hepburn, Gregory Peck, Love, Pain, Passion, Roman Holiday, unconsummated love, William Wyler

Dear Zazie,

This is Jett, I believe my brother Rhett mentioned I would be contacting you.  I have read y’alls precedin’ correspondence and I would love to join the conversation.

I have been in multiple long term relationships with women and they all failed.  I am currently miserably married.  The primary cause of this failure and misery is me.  It took 45 years for me to understand myself, to come to terms with my baggage and to love myself.  I agree with Rhett, it is impossible to love someone else if you do not love yourself.

The other challenge I had is that when I met one of the hotties y’all were talkin’ about, I would fall fast and hard in love.  I would get so wrapped up in the lust I would be blinded to the lack of common ground.  Every single failed long-term relationship that I had, had three recurring themes;  a beautiful woman, beaucoup passion and very little common ground.  And of course, I did not love myself.  The pattern became thus; meet pretty woman, fall in love, move in together, have some great times, passion starts to fade, time spent either fussin’ or lovin’, I get tired of the fussin’, I start lookin’ for the exit.  So, I ended two long term realtionships when a hottie turned my head.  But I fell in “love” with both of those hotties and both of those relationships became long-term.  I even left one of those hotties for the other hottie.

Were any of those women a true love?  Did the hotties break up a relationship I should have stuck with?  Would one of those relationships have grown into true love?  Categorically no.

So where am I now?  That will be in my next letter.

Jett

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Cheating, hottie, Love, Lust, Passion, true love

Dear Zazie,

Yes, we shall carry on!  Your points are well made and you are correct, overtime, lust fades in most relationships.  But if it is true love, it starts as lust and the lust might not fade.  Even if it does, the common ground will keep the love alive.  Again, assuming both parties love themselves.  All forms of love start with lust.  Without lust, you have nothin’; just infertile ground upon which nothin’ will grow.

I have been in relationships that were clearly not true love and one that was true love.   And  yes, I have had my fair share of hotties come my way and try to turn my head.  Which, I might add, clearly does not have a bald spot as you can see!  Durin’ my true love relationship, nothin’ could turn my head.  She was my world.  I knew what she wanted, she knew what I wanted, we were what we wanted.  Did any hotties come my way then?  I have no idea.  A chorus line of nekid knockouts could have thrown themselves at me and I would not have noticed.  There was only one for me, then.

Now, before and after that, my head could easily be turned.  And sometimes I turned and sometimes not.  You see, I always knew what they wanted so I made sure I got what I wanted first.  Perhaps it was a wink and a smile.  Perhaps it was playful banter.  Perhaps it was a kiss or a hug.  Perhaps it was clothes flyin’ off and a torrid and brief affair, whatever; I took what I wanted.

I know someone whose perspective on this would be different and interesting; my brother Jett.  Yes, brothers named Rhett and Jett; Rhett after Rhett Butler and Jett after Jett Rink from Edna Ferber’s Giant.  Our mother was a big movie fan.  So I will send him our notes and see if he would like to join the conversation.

Always, Rhett

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Lust, true love