Dear Zazie,
For edification and for those who may have joined this program already in progress, let me summarize. For 25 years, I was in and out of several long term relationships, all founded on lust, non were true love, all ended not well, all my fault.
Have I felt true love for anyone? The answer is no and I do not believe anyone has felt true love for me. I think at the time, I broke some hearts, but I did them a favor by leavin’. I was a relationship basket case. I had no business being in a relationship. Everything was built on lies and deception. Unfortunately, I learned at the feet of a master manipulator, liar and conniver; my mother. I wish I could have been like Rhett. He figured out how not to get into any committed relationships, other than his one great true love. Regrets? Oh please, I have plenty. I could fill a graveyard with my buried regrets. As for whether they had reason to nag me, absolutely.
Yes, here I am now miserably married. She does not know that I am miserable. She is too wrapped up in herself. She has never loved me. She loved who she wanted me to be. She is another master manipulator, liar and conniver. Sometimes I think we ended up together because we deserve each other. The silent suffering is not fair to anyone. I do it to protect the kids. I am convinced she would use them to their detriment in a divorce. So far, I have been able to manage it so that they have no idea. I will not allow any loud arguments to occur, so they are isolated from the misery and suffering. I am just tryin’ to hang on until they get older.
Would I cheat on her? Can I dodge the question by sayin’ she has cheated on me? She thinks I do not know. At the time I did not give a damn. I was hopin’ she would leave me. Around that time, I did meet a woman at a bar and we flirted and kissed, but nothin’ came of it. Would I cheat on her? The best I can do is say probably not. It would not help the situation.
As for lovin’ myself and bein’ honest with myself and others; well I do not know how I could be more honest with myself. And as for bein’ honest with her and lies killin’ and darkenin’ the soul; it is called survival. I make no apologies for survivin’ and protectin’ my children.
I choose to look at the bright side; the pain and sufferin’ has been a wonderful muse. I have channeled my feelins’ into my poems and lyrics.
Ever, J
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22/05/2011 at 8:07 pm Permalink
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